6 Years and I'm Back

Wow....

6 years....

6 years since my last post.

It's been so long I don't even recognize the features on this thing. Regardless...some writing is much needed right now. I'll get the hang of it again, right?

So...a lot has happened in the past 6 years, but I'm not going to bore you with the details. Plus - there's just too many for me to decide which are relevant enough to talk about.

Let's start with yesterday - January 12th, 2016. Somehow, some way, I remembered that I used to have three blogs:  one for me, one for Bryanna, and one for Brendan. This prompted me to take some time today to find them.....and I did! YAY! :)

It's been a tough 6 years. Break ups, arguments, new relationships, custody battles, court hearings, tantrums, new jobs, new experiences, new everything!

As I write, Bryanna sits next to me with a bowl of cereal in hand, watching a movie on Netflix. She's 8 now. 8. Years. Old. WOW! Still amazes me everyday. Still drives me crazy. Still makes me laugh. Still makes me cry. Still loves me. Still shows me everything I need to know about being a mother. This girl has changed my life in so many wonderful ways.

Her brother. Oh boy, where do I begin? That boy keeps me on my toes every. Single. Day. Bryanna and Brendan's personalities are complete and total opposite. He makes me feel like this is my first time with this whole parenting thing. The kiddo is something else. But he's mine. He's my baby boy. Always has been; always will.

I write to vent. I write to release. I write to feel heard. I write to help. I write in hopes that getting these thoughts on paper will somehow alleviate the stress and anxiety I feel each and every day. Let's give it another whirl, and see where it takes me! :)

Changes

So it's been a while since I've visited my blog. And a lot has changed since the last post. Remember me saying how God has a plan for everyone, and you don't know where you'll be or who you'll be with a month from now, a year from now, and so on?

Well I got a good lesson in that. Things can happen so quickly that you have no idea what the heck is going on. One minute you're life can be in order and things are going as usual and then BAM! It all changes.

Last weekend I had a pretty big wake up call to where God wants my life to go. And unfortunately, he wants me to go there alone. But I can do it, right? It is possible for me to do things on my own without a companion. I did it for the first 15 years of my life, I can do it again.

But.... I'm scared.

I'm not a person who likes to be alone. And when I'm forced to be alone, I don't deal with it so well. Depression kicks in. Anxiety kicks in. And that's how I've been the last week. Lost. Afraid. Lonely. But it gets better, right? I mean.... those feelings can't last forever, can they? I sure hope not.

Accidents Happen

So there I am, toastin' up a yummy toaster strudel for Bryanna, when I hear her crying. She tends to do that a lot (cry) so I don't think much of it. The toaster strudel is done and ready so I make my way downstairs to give it to her. She's sitting there on the floor with tears in her eyes and a frown on her face, but no longer actually crying. I ask her what happened and she responds with "My hurt my butt." "Aww, you hurt your butt?" "Yeah (with sad face)." "What did you sit on?" She points to her semi-little, plastic Elmo phone. I say "Aww man. Well you'll be ok." She continues playing and I continue getting ready for work. A half hour passes and I'm changing her diaper to get her ready for the day.

I think WHOA! What the hell is this!? There is blood in her diaper.

Of course, I start freaking out, so Bryanna starts freaking out. I see dried blood, but can't figure out where it initally came from. I knew it was from sitting on the toy and obviously there was a cut somewhere. After many phone calls (one to Gramma and a few to the doc's office) I determine that she definitely needs to be seen. Because by this point (the end of the phone calls) I've managed to figure out that she has a decent-sized gash between the cheeks of her tooshy.

No appointments were available so I drop the boy off at daycare and bring her to the oh-so-awesomely-fast E.R. in Stillwater. (<--Seriously, they are pretty fast.) The doc says no stitches are needed, but we for sure need to keep the area clean to prevent infection, and soak her toosh in the tub as often as we can - which is no problem considering she already takes like 2-3 baths a day. What can I say? The girl loves the tub!

I can't help but think that this accident could have been avoided if I were to keep the basement floor much more clear of toys and clutter. I'm almost positive the Elmo phone was left on the floor from the previous night of play time, but never picked up because I'm way too lazy to do any daily cleaning.

Moral of the story (for me):  Keep your living/playing space neat and tidy. Pick up nightly after the kiddos lay their sleepy, little noggins on their pillows. (Much easier said than done, but there's always room for improvement.)

What's Meant To Be

"What's meant to be will always find a way." <---So cliche, right?

I totally believe in it though.

Too many things have happened in my life for me not to believe in it. I looked for months upon months for a full time job. I began to think it would never happen and I was just meant to make minimum wage until I was through with college. I was wrong. Last October, I got hired on full-time at my current job. It happened right when it was supposed to. I was moving into a new place, I was going to be paying more rent, I had just had a second child. The timing was right on.

Same with relationships. It's hard to picture my life years from now, who I'll be with, where I'll be living and working. God has a plan for everyone though. (I'm not here to push these beliefs on any one, I'm just saying how I feel.) He knows exactly what is going to happen to each person at any point in time. He already knew that at 19 years old I would have a baby girl, and at 21 years old I'd have a baby boy. He knew the bd and I wouldn't work out, but He did know that the bd would eventually become "the bd." And he also knew that Robert would one day become the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But not until after all of the above happened first.

You never know where life is going to take you or what is going to happen. What you know today, may not be the same tomorrow. Only He knows. And that is the way it's supposed to be.

Pure Exhaustion

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, but I am constantly tired. ALL. THE. TIME. I'm tellin' ya... It's like I wake up in the morning with no energy, no motivation, no "get-up-and-go." Anyone else feel like that on a daily basis? Ugh. I know being a mommy of a toddler and 1/2 year old probably has something to do with it, but come on. This is getting a tad bit ridiculous, and I can't help it. I get a decent amount of sleep (granted I do get up with Brendan when he wants to eat in the middle of the night). I don't go to bed too late (at least I don't think so). And I take naps when I have the chance. I even get up with the kids and sleep on the couch for a little bit when Brendan goes back to sleep after eating and Bryanna is watching 'Shrek'. But that still doesn't do anything. I could sleep all day long if I had the chance! I just want one day where I have the energy to do something with myself instead of hangin' out in my jams all day, sitting on the couch, watching 'Shrek' over and over again, and letting the basement look like a flippin' tornado passed through it. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Just one day of non-sleepiness. *Sigh* Wishful thinking.

Mommy Moment

I had one of those mommy moments yesterday that was more or less a so-precious-words-can't-describe-it-almost-brings-tears-to-your-eyes moments. Bryanna insisted on sleeping in Brendan's new crib with him. Why? I don't know, but I wasn't going to say no to a soon-to-be Kodak moment of both my kiddos sleeping together. And sure enough.... that moment came.

I had to hold back the tears. I love these little people!

Growing Up

It's official. I've got a 6-month old mover on my hands. Not quite scooting yet, but he turns in circles and rolls around to get to where he wants to go. I've witnessed him getting up on his hands and knees, but he's not stable enough to stay there so he falls back on his tummy.

Bryanna's little Miss Independent. She was singing her version of "The Ants Go Marching" today and I just about fell over dying of laughter. It went a little something like "Ants go march. Eh, eh, eh (trying to find the words). Little one stops. Eh, eh. A tree. Boom, boom, boom. Hoorah!" Adorable, right!? She takes at least two baths a day, and she needs them to be hot per her request. I'm totally ok with this because it keeps her occupied for at least 20 minutes. (Gives mommy a little break.) She loves to clean, cook, and change her baby's diaper. She's such a little mommy already.

It's so great watching your kids grow up. It's even better having others around to watch them grow up with you. I wouldn't trade being a mommy of two for anything. It's honestly the best!

The Joys of Mommyhood

It started on Monday. Got a phone call from day care saying Bryanna had a temp of 100.5. Not high enough to have to be picked up, but high enough to get a phone call. Fever continued into Tuesday, but it wasn't that bad. Nothing some medicine couldn't fix. Runny nose and cough have been going on for a little less than a week now.

And then there is Wednesday... Oh boy. Grandma picked Bryanna up from day care because of a temp of 101.5. Alright, mommy realizes it's time to call in the doctor. I get home from work, Bryanna is whiney, crying, and very sensitive. Not just that, but she also has diarrhea. I mean, come on now, isn't there enough going on!? I take her to urgent care and she's got a double ear infection. She's prescribed Augmenton (sp?) and we also need to use the nebulizer 3 times a day for her cough.

So we get home and I give her the antibiotic. Diarrhea is still going on. And now there's puking! Like, seriously!? She threw up about four times! Wouldn't eat anything. Would barely drink anything. She's crying. Whining. Throwing tantrums. My poor little girl is in so much pain and there was nothing I could do to make it better. Worst. Feeling. Ever.

She finally falls asleep, but wakes up about 2 hours later. So mommy, of course, babies her to make her comfortable. Anything I can do to help. We fall asleep on the couch and I wake up a few hours later to find her sleeping on the floor in the boppy. How cute, right!?

Today was much better. She didn't want to take her medicine, but we got it down eventually. Less whining. Less crying. Less tantrums. More eating and drinking. Lots of diarrhea, but no puking. Although there isn't anything I can do to make her feel better physically, there's lots a mommy can do to put her in a better mood.

Sleeping like a baby... sort of.

Never-ending Laundry

It seems as though I work at a place that does a person's laundry for them. That's my job when I come home. The laundry piles up, I wash it, I dry it, I fold it (eventually), but then I look and it's piled up again! It literally is "never-ending laundry" around these parts. There's not a day that goes by that there isn't at least one load to do. And as soon as I catch up on it, there's even more to do. Will the nonesense of ever stop!?

These are the clean clothes. More is in the washer and dryer, and there's still two more loads to do.

Pushing Buttons

The bf and I got a good lesson in button-pushing today. I mean that figuratively, of course.

I've always had an issue with anger. I know that anger is not a bad thing, it's actually good to get angry. Anger can become bad, though, when you express it negatively. Such as getting physical, consistent yelling, name calling, etc. I always tend to venture towards these negative expressions of anger. All of a sudden, my feelings mean everything and the other person's mean nothing. Therefore I can say and do whatever I want.

It becomes even worse when the person you're fighting with knows exactly what buttons to push to get a rise out of you, and visa versa. It's almost as if you want to fight. This, in turn, becomes a major problem. Words get said, things get broken, people get hit... at least in my case.

It's not healthy to react in those ways. I know this. And it's something I've struggled with since I can remember. Today's "tiff" with the bf showed me that I still haven't got control of my anger - and neither does he (to an extent). But relationships are all about making mistakes and learning from them, and growing together as a couple. I'm going to use today's actions as a starting point for change. Time to move in the right direction and learn new ways to express my anger. No better time like the present, right?

Talking Twos

There's nothing like a good 'ol talk with your daughter when you get off of work. I'd say about half my car ride home (if not more) consisted of Bryanna telling me about her day, and me answering her questions. She's only 2, but she can certainly hold up a conversation. And I absolutely love it. Then towards the end of the drive, Brendan decided to jump in. He had woken up and began making all his cute, little noises. Ahh... what a great way to end the day.

And on top of that, Bryanna went down amazing for bed. She has been doing so good lately with that. No fights. No fussing. Just pure cooperation. What more could I ask for at this point? My kiddos are the bestest.

Wise Woman

So I had quite the conversation with a friend of my mother's today. She is a wise, wise woman. I had some worries about things going on in my life, and she was able to give me some peace of mind.

She helped me realize that things aren't as bad as they may seem, or as bad as other people may make them seem. I have a lot to appreciate. I have a lot to work on. I have a lot of things to change. And you better believe, I'm going to do it. Period.

Smacks May Be Needed

Sometimes it's really easy for my to put my faith in God and know that when things happen in my life, it's for a reason. It may take a while to figure out exactly what the reason was, but eventually I see it. I know that when God does things, it's for the better. To force you into choices or decisions that you need to make.

But then there are times when I don't see a reason at all. Times when the things that happen don't seem like they happened for any reasonl. He just did it because... well... he's God and he can! He has that control and power to make things happen when he wants, the way he wants.

I haven't quite grasped this concept yet, but I'm hoping that in time I will. What concept, you may ask? That sometimes, you need a full blown smack in the face to make you realize certain things. My wise mother walked me through this one... God gives you signs and hints, and makes things happen along the way to help you realize what choices you need to make. Or maybe, to help you figure out how to live a happy life. He tries to show you "the way." But sometimes (maybe, most of the time) people don't listen to these subtle hints/clues. And God can only throw so much your way until he tells himself "Alright she's not getting it. Time to pull out the big guns." And at that point, what happens may be, as I said, a full blown smack in the face. It sucks. It can be heartbreaking. It can send you into a whirlwind of emotion. But he does it for a reason, right? Probably because you didn't listen to all those hints He had previously given you. He needed to do something BIG in order to force you in the right direction. And believe me, you may not like that "big something" he throws your way.

So here's my take on it: listen to God the first time. If not, then at least the second time. Because if it gets to be the third, fourth, maybe even fifth time, you're not going to like what He does. He has a plan for everyone. He has a plan for me. I just needed a good old "ass-whooping" to help me realize what that plan is.

Now the hard part... taking the steps in the right direction to follow His plan. It's not going to be easy. Actually, it's probably going to be really hard. Making certain changes in life are difficult to stick to. But I suppose that if you put your faith in God, and listen to him, and do what you know needs to be done then it gets a little easier. I hope...

Much Appreciation

I'm going to try and get back in to this whole blogging thing. Much has been on my mind, and I suppose this could be a "healthy" way of letting it out.

Lately I've been finding my mind thinking about things that I really don't want to be thinking about, let alone concerned with. But... it still goes there whether I want it to or not.

One of the things it tends to venture towards is the BD's lifestyle. Or maybe opportunities is the better word. I find myself thinking "How come he gets to go on vacations to New York and California and I don't? That's not fair." Or "Why is it he always knows that I will be there to care of our children when he isn't able to? How come that's not the same for me? That's not fair."

But then things like tonight happen. I go into the bedroom to make my way to the bathroom, and what do I see when I look at my baby girl? Her jams on the floor (ya know? the ones she was wearing when I put her to bed earlier this evening) and her blankie covering her nakey body. And I had to check... and yes, her diaper was still on. She is known to completely undress whenever she wants to, diaper included.

Seeing her like that made me realize that if I lived the lifestyle the BD does, I would miss out on all these "little moments." Those moments that make me smile when no one else is around to see it. The moments that make me laugh and cry because they are just too precious to ever forget. The moments that I would never get back if I took trips to New York or California. I realized, I have it much better than that.


I get to watch my babies grow up :)


So in a way, maybe I should... thank him?? Because of him, and his chosen lifestyle/opportunities/priorities (whatever you prefer to call it), I have a much greater appreciation for the life I have chosen and the way I have chosen to live it... with my kiddos.

Whoa

It's been quite a few weeks since I've posted anything new. Sorry dudes. I know you've just been wondering where the heck I've been. I'll tell ya... I've been tired. Exhausted. Busy. And all sorts of other things. Well here is an update: Bryanna is quite mobile. Yes, she is crawling on her little hands and knees now. She absolutely loves the dog food/water bowl. Seems like if we look away for even a second she has managed to make her way over there in record time. She's also pulling herself to standing, but not yet walking along the table as some babies can do. It's absolutely amazing at how much they learn in such a little amount of time! We ordered the cake for Bryanna's party next week and gotten some of the food and essentials we'll need. Just a few more trips to the store and I'm sure we'll have it all (hopefully).


I've also started school. I'm taking 2 online classes and they aren't that easy. It's not that they are difficult, but I wasn't expecting an online class to be much work. I guess I shouldn't assume so much. But I love it! Being in school makes me feel like I'm working towards something better. You really do appreciate it a lot more when you realize how much it's going to help you in the long run. Few more years and I'll have a degree. Wooo!

Long time no blog

It's been quite a few days since my last post. Not too much has been going on. I was so flippin excited when I saw Bryanna hands-and-knees crawl today. She didn't go very far at all, but she did slide her legs a couple of times. The army crawl is a lot faster at the moment, but I am sure it won't be long until hands-and-knees takes over. She is still doing the butt scoot thing which is still adorable. And she can go from crawling to sitting up all on her own. It's very cute to watch her. She's already learned so much in the little time that she's been here. It's crazy! I have sent out invites for her 1st b-day party. The menu hasn't been set in stone yet though. It's between sloppy joes and hot dogs & hamburgers. We have time to decide though. There is going to be quite a few people there. Trav's mom's family, Trav's dad's family, my mom's family, and some of my dad's family. Then friends who are able to come as well. It certainly is going to be a party. :)

Stressssed

Today was Bryanna's 11-month birthday. I've said it before, and I will say it again. I can't believe she is turning 1 year old in just one month! It's just way too crazy for me to handle. We're getting the party plans going. Invites should be out by the end of the week for sure. You can view the fun facts about her on the blog I have her. It's pretty cool stuff.

But even though today was a very happy day (because Bryanna is yet another month older), it was very stressful for me. I don't know what is going on, but I was freaking out over every little thing. The morning was fine, work was fine, the ride home was fine. But after that it just went downhill. Me and the babe got home and played for a little a while. I messed around online for a little bit. (Had to catch up on the soaps I missed last week and yesterday). Then she got hungry so I was trying to feed her broccoli and cereal. I am well aware that broccoli is def not her fave thing to eat. So I was scooping some broccoli on the spoon and then scooping cereal over it to kind of lessen the taste of the broccoli. She did ok for about 5 bites and then she just wouldn't stop crying. She wasn't screaming or anything, but there were tears and whines. She wouldn't swallow the bite I had just given her and I couldn't figure out why. I was getting so frustrated at that point. I didn't yell at her (she's 11 months old, that wouldn't do any good even if she did understand), but I did raise my voice. Not because I was mad at her, but because I didn't know what she wanted. She was hungry, but didn't want to take a bite and wouldn't swallow her last one. Then I realized that there was a chunk (not a very large chunk, but a chunk) of broccoli in the side of her mouth that she didn't want to swallow (and neither would I). I've been pureeing my own food to save a little money so that explains the chunk. So I took the chunk out of her mouth and forced a bite of cereal into her mouth. She then realized that it was not broccoli I was feeding her anymore and started eating just fine. But at that point I had already tossed out the broccoli thinking that she just didn't want to eat it, but really she just wanted me to get the chunk out of her mouth. So of course I was obsessing over the food I just wasted. The rest of the feeding was still just as frustrating, but I won't go into detail. I was so wound up from being frustrated over the feeding that I started getting anxious (me + anxious = not good). The kitchen looked filthy, dishes needed to be done, the floor was gross and needed to be swept, the bathroom was cluttered and dirty, the laundry was piling up, the baby's room was messy, etc., etc. So I went on a mini cleaning spree. Bathroom? Done. Kitchen floor swept? Done. Living room picked up and vacuumed? Done. Load of laundry in the wash? Done. I was in the zone. I feel really bad about my behavior with Bryanna while feeding her. I once read on a friends blog (I think) that after a frustrating day with your child, just go watch them sleep. Which is exactly what I am going to do right now. Tomorrow will be better.

What a day

Today was quite an eventful day. Three seperate (but very important) things happened. Two were just Bryanna being cute, and the other was quite a scare.

1) Bryanna and I walked to the beach today and met up with Travis and a friend. The boys went out on the jetski and the girls (meaning us) hung out on the beach. Bryanna and I were playing in the shallow (very shallow) water, and she kept grabbing handfuls of dirt and putting it in my hand. If my hand wasn't open to catch it, then she would wait. It was sooo adorable. We had a blast though. 

2) This event I did not witness, but Travis told me about it. We found this big beach ball in our driveway a few days ago so we took it and washed it up for Bryanna to play with. Today, she was scootin' around and pushing the ball with her nose. After a little bit, she ran into the couch. Of course, she didn't know what was going on. So she proceeded to push the ball with her nose. Since the ball was obviously not moving, her face got all smooshed up against the ball as she was struggling to make it move. Wish I woulda seen it!

3) Now this is the biggie. Unfortunately, today was the day of the first major/huge accident of Bryanna's life. We just got a new stroller and of course I am completely stoked. As I mentioned previously, we walked to the beach. Bryanna (and mommy) wanted to test out her new ride. We got home, I gave Bryanna a bath, and then took a shower myself. I wanted to do the dishes, but Bryanna is all over the place now-a-days. So I strapped her in her new stroller, put the brakes on, and turned her towards the sink so she could watch me clean the dishes. In the middle of washing a bowl, not even 30 seconds after I started doing the dishes, I heard a *thud*. I turned around and Bryanna was laying face down on the kitchen floor. BALLING! I dropped the bowl and ran to pick her up. Travis walked in the door at that point and was asking what happened. I explained and both me and him consoled Bryanna until she settled down. It only took about a minute and a half and she was ok again. But there was this little red bump on the right side of her head near the hairline. It didn't seem like a normal bump to me because it kind of came to a rounded point. Travis insisted that she was ok, but I wasn't going to settle for that. I called the nurses line and told them what happened and they said since she is under 1 year old that she needs to be seen. I brought her to the hospital, and surprisingly it didn't take long at all to get a room. Usually it's at least a 20 minute wait in the lobby. This time, we got right in. Doc said everything was fine. Her fine motor skills were normal and she was talking, sucking, and giggling like normal. What a relief! Then we waited about 30 minutes to get our discharge papers and we were outta there.

Now I am home. Blogging. Soon to be on the couch watching TV. I'm really hoping I won't have to report anymore incidents like the one above ever again. 

Tooo fast

It occured to me today that Bryanna is no longer a baby baby. She may still be considered a baby, but she has certainly grown up a lot in the last few months. Of course I know she is going to grow up, but just recently it really hit me how fast time goes. She has her own personality, she gets a 'tude every now and then, knows how to wave, and say momma and dada. She can scoot, prop herself up on her knees, and occasionally pull herself to standing. It's just like bam! I can't believe how big she is getting. :)

Crunch time

Trav and I are beginning to realize how close we are getting to Bryanna's first birthday. I can't even believe it's in a little over a month! It seriously seems like I just brought her home from the hospital yesterday. We've begun to make up the guest list and it's becoming a pretty l o n g list. If this pans out correctly (which I hope it does), Trav's family and mine will be meeting for the very first time... EVER! So that adds a tid bit more pressure to the situation. We have no idea where we are going to have the party, what we're going to do or have there, or anything else for that matter! Can you tell we're new at this whole first birthday thing!? And then on top of that, we haven't gotten her baptised yet. :( Something that should have been done about 7 months ago. Yes, as parents, we are certainly slacking. I suppose after the b-day plans are made and set in stone, we will start on the baptism. Wish us luck!